I wish karma existed. If it did, I’d have some serious awesome coming to me. In December, I did the Project for Awesome, which promoted charities, using youtube. In January, following the earthquake in Haiti, I listened to a bunch of liveshows from The HP Alliance and donated a total of $640 to Haiti. That might not seem like that much, but I’m in college and my current income is $0, because I don’t have a job because time is a prohibitive factor, as I have 9 clients, and they take up a lot of my time, plus I’m in school full time. But I had it, and they needed it, so I gave it. In exchange, I got two, very expensive, signed books from one of my favorite authors, John Green. I now own 5 John Green books, four of which are signed, including two copies of An Abundance of Katherines.

A few weeks ago, I did Accio Books, for which I collected 511 books. Many of those came from my own personal collection of books. My books actually all fit on two shelfs now, with room for my CDs to be on there, too. I’m getting my name in a book for that.

Just this past week, I agreed to take on two more kids, for a woman who was recently hired as the CEO of a freaking company. She needs someone to do miscellaneous tasks for her and someone to pick up her kids from the bus stop and bring them home. I already have two kids that I live with who require quite a lot of maintenance on my part. I have to wake up at 5:30, and then I have to get them up, make sure they eat, medicate one of them, then they have to brush their teeth and rinse them (one has braces, the other a crazy device, so this takes a while, and I have to brush my teeth and my hair during/before this time, and then they get dressed while I get dressed. This NEVER goes smoothly. One or both kids always doesn’t want to get up. They take forever to do anything, and I’m always tired. At 7:00, sometimes later, we leave so I can take them to school. After I drop them off, I drive to my school, where I do the homework I didn’t have time to do the night before for my French class, and wish I could nap. At 9, my class starts. An hour later, I leave. Sometimes, I stop at my parents to pick something up, or go to the library in search of peace. If I don’t, I go straight home. When I get home, I nap, or I chat with Sam or just have a little sanity time, wherein I read the things in my Google Reader, and maintain my facebook applications. Around noon, I eat for the first time of the day, and then I access my school work situation. Sometimes I work on schools; sometimes I’m too exhausted. The kids and Angela get home at 3. Starting sometime soon, I’ll have left by this time to go get Kevin and Lauren off the bus, then take them to wherever they’re going. Lauren does activities, so that’s going to factor in there somewhere. Anyway, get them where they’re going. Come home. Eat or take care of kid stuff. Have a few hours of troubleshooting, then medicate kids and self and go to bed. But don’t mistake that for sleep. I don’t actually sleep a whole lot. Even when I sleep, I don’t sleep. And I get up the next day and do it all over again. Tuesdays, I don’t take the kids to school, so I sleep in a little. And Fridays, I don’t have class myself, so I just come home after taking the kids in. I go to the doctor at noon, but that’s actually been reduced to every other week instead of every week, and may soon be eliminated entirely. I’m not thrilled about that. In fact, it’s really upsetting to me. The kids go to their dad’s once or twice a week, and those days, plus a lot of the time on Tuesdays, I go work out with Angela at the gym. And I end up winded and in pain, sometimes unable to drive home after. I try not to ask for much, and I’m fairly minimalist, as far as that goes. I have my Rubik’s Cubes, and my books. And I treasure every last one of them. I have awards I’ve earned, and a few knick knacks that I love. I have my clothing, because it’s illegal to be naked. I have my beautiful room and a nice bed to match. I have DVDs, and a few CDs, and my laptop. I don’t keep things around without a reason to have them. There are some things people would say I could do without, but I can’t part with my life, because I don’t have many things from when I was little. There are fewer than 20 pictures of me from when I was younger than 10 years old. I have attended 11 schools in my life. Each year, the school I would attend the next year and even with whom I would live was up in the air.

I have nine kids, yet I have none. Ella, Tommy, Austin, Nora, Fiona, Natalyn, Aubrey, Lauren, and Kevin are all under my care, from every few months for a few hours, to daily care. I feel like I’m doing the worst job at living ever seen. I don’t feel like I’m good at taking care of these kids. I don’t really excel at anything anymore. I’m just kind of…there. I used to think I was good at working at the library, but I’ve realized I actually kind of suck at that, too.

Anyway, I see myself doing all these things for other people. And I can barely freaking take care of myself. And all I really want is one thing.

My primary want right now is to go to VidCon. I just want to go to freaking VidCon and not have to go alone. Technically speaking, I have enough money. I can go, but on the other hand, I just can’t. I can’t fly to California by myself. I can’t navigate everything about the traveling process. I need someone to go with me, something to make this possible. And I want it so much. More than I’ve wanted most everything else. And I’ve wanted this since I heard that VidCon was happening. And I’m on the edge. I want this to happen so much and I’m just not seeing any ways for it to work out. I’ll have to take like 2-3 days off work, which will be the first in my life, including when I was injured on the job last year. Ideally, I’d go with Angela and the kids, because she actually has family there. And that would work out well, but she won’t go.


~ by Alida on 13 April 2010.

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